Unacceptable Fashion Items: You're Wearing What?

By Chad Anthony on April 5, 2014

Given the right circumstances, skinny dipping is a great idea. There’s something about not having any interference with the nature surrounding you. A sense of freedom washes over you. Or in most cases, it’s just an insect swimming up where the sun doesn’t shine.

On the other hand, clothes are great. Clothes tell others of our personality, portrayal of self-image and monetary status. Clothes keep us protected against Mother Nature, insulating ourselves from the outside world and shielding us from injury. Live in Oregon with the consistent rain? Throw a poncho on and see the water be wicked away. Soaking up the sun on a boat with Will Ferrell and John C. Riley? A nice pair of khaki shorts, a polo and Sperry’s fit the bill. There’s something for every occasion!

Unfortunately, parts of society all over the globe believe wearing certain articles or mashups of clothing are visually and gastronomically acceptable. I shall warn you, reader, that droves of individuals clamor together to share in the fashion monstrosities. We’ve all seen them. So, without further adieu, welcome to the Phenomene de Mode:

Image from Weknowmemes.com

The versatile footwear can only be worn within two age demographics: the elderly and babies/toddlers.

Let’s face facts. The elderly can rock Crocs as much as they want. They’ve lived an eventful and rich life, and deserve the hell out of some comfortable footwear. They do not track dirt and are easily washed! The support strap can be flipped up to turn it into a sandal. Mind. Blown. The appropriateness of these only magnifies if the elderly person in question tends to a garden.

On the other end of the spectrum, infants and toddlers have a propensity to grow quickly. Crocs offer a fairly inexpensive alternative to other shoes. It is less expense out of the parents’ pockets. Who doesn’t like saving money?

In the college dorms, it’s moderately acceptable to sport Crocs in the public showers. Those places become caked with various, how do I say, samples of individuals within hours. However, the owning of Crocs could lead an individual to wear said Crocs outside of the shower realm. Guys or gals rocking Crocs across campus as public footwear make me question their pursuits in life. We all know you have other shoes.

Nike sandals with high socks
Hey, remember high school when dumb drama and nonsensical classes were the norm? Well, along with all those perplexities of the teenage years, velcro Nike sandals with almost-knee-high socks exploded in popularity with the sports individuals. Even in South Florida with summer practically year-round, guys wore long socks with sandals. It can’t be comfortable in that stifling and 90 percent humidity heat. For the sake of unnecessarily sweaty feet, do away with foot-long socks.

I currently sit in a Dayton-based fresh market writing this article (yes, I know quite hipster of me, whatever) and across the dining area presides seven men and women of the local military base, I presume chatting of soldier-y things. I salute them for their service. For these brave individuals to wear camo in public is completely and utterly acceptable.

For the rest of society, not so much. There comes a sense of purpose and respectability with the uniform. A person must act as such to properly represent the institutional colors portrayed. Oh, and camo shorts went away with the high-top hair cut.

Image from Weheartit.com

Popped collars
The kryptonite to all things intellectual began on December 3, 2009. MTV began the depressingly hit-show Jersey Shore and with it came a popularity of popped collars. Besides ill-representing the life and people of  the Jersey Shore, the show spread fake tans and gelled hair across the nation like lice in an elementary school yard. A popped collar dons a vomit-inducing aura. Why do you want to shield your neck? Did the spray tan go wrong?

Although I’m not too sure of the purpose of overalls in the first place, it seems to be the wear of farmers and gardeners. I can guess the ease of clean-up is a part of the popularity.

Denim jackets

Jay Leno makes denim look decent. The acceptance of his wardrobe may be result of sheer popularity. I mean, he has been a stand-up comic for over 35 years, was the host of the Tonight Show for 22 years and hosts and operates a YouTube channel featuring a wide range of automobiles, some of which come from his own 200+ collection of cars and motorcycles. Jay Leno has even sauntered around in an all-denim outfit. Bold move, Leno.

Image from https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com

Denim jackets with anything is all types of wrong. Denim is for jeans because jeans need to be durable. Also, that style went away with 80s hair metal and heavy youth crack abuse.

Sweatpants are loose, flowy, fully plushed and comfortable. Elastic bands are used for the waist and pant legs. I can see why this cotton-based plush-fest feels amazing. It’s probably super warm, too. As a bedtime specific article of clothing, it rocks you right to sleep.

Continuing the usage of the sweatpant for daily activities such as eating, walking and interacting with society, I can’t seem to grasp. This conundrum continues to rack my brain. Jeans are always a strong option. They can handle the debris of nature and accidental food spillage. And leggings, remember leggings? Any other pant material is a better option. Wearing sweatpants out and about makes it seem like you’ve given up on the day. We know you rolled out of bed and didn’t change. The cotton has absorbed the odors of the previous usage. And who knows if you brushed your teeth.

Leggings are tight and revealing. I say, well, keep wearing them. Leggings as pants is cool in my book.

Please join the movement to passively eliminate these eye sores from public usage. If you feel so kind, provide another option of clothing as a trade.  It’ll provide a less stressful environment. We’ll all be a little bit happier.

Chad Anthony attends the University of Dayton, on track for a degree in English. He writes and cooks, while having a weird obsession for hot tea.

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